That's just the way it is.

Dear Jason.

There are so many things I want to say.

There are a million questions, I get asked all the time.

We're about to embark, on a LIFE changing journey.

AND I AM..

Terrified.

Excited.

Happy.

Sad.

Optimistic.

This blog entry, is for you, my love.

It's also, for the rest of you. Who want to know what's really going on, in my head.

My thoughts.

My life.

I am thankful, everyday, that Jordan is blessed with such an amazing man, as his father.

You possess so many great qualities, that I wish I could say belonged to me, as well.

You are smart, incredibly handsome, ambitious, outgoing, driven, athletic, caring, and stubborn. ;-)

Thank you, for everything you do.

Thank you, for being there for me. For never running away when I had my PPD breakdowns.

For getting me a glass of water, after you've already sat down. (x 1,000).

For not letting me give up on breastfeeding.

For always tackling the everlasting piles of laundry.

For making our son laugh, in a way that NO ONE else can.

For making me smile.

Thank you, for being hard on me, even when you know it's going to hurt my feelings, because it's the best thing for me, at the time.

For tolerating my ridiculously messy bedroom habits.

For never complaining about my make-up, being all over the bathroom counter.

For sacrificing everything, for me. For Jordan.

For being a great father.

Thank you, for being a kid with me. For the nights when we dragged the bed into the living room, to "camp out."

Thank you, for trusting me, that I WILL do everything I can, to make moving to Florida, a good experience.

For making some kick ass omelets.

For loving the way I say the word, Milk.

And mood. LoL.

For having such a great family.

For trying Alfredo sauce at Olive Garden.

& Loving it. (Because I'd order it anyway).

For screaming your face off with me on Kingda Ka.

For making me laugh, when a vampire almost hit you in the balls while walking through a haunted house at Hallo Scream.

For going to 8 Tracks that night.

For sitting with me in the sand, and almost missing your flight.

For baking me countless batches of cookies and brownies when I was pregnant.

For making me go to the gym this morning. (haha).

For understanding my goofiness. For loving it.

For loving ME. For who I am. Every ounce of my being.

I AM TERRIFIED.

There, I said it. I am terrified, that you wont like it there, of course. That you will think FL is the biggest mistake you've ever made.

But, that's just a silly feeling.

Because I'm a silly girl. And we, can be silly.

I KNOW, that everything, will be okay. I know it, because when I'm there, something inside of me bursts, with happiness. I AM ME. THE WHOLE ME. And I know, that you're going to see a whole new side of me, that you're going to fall in love with.

We are BOTH, all 3 of us, well 4 including Lilly, going to miss Mom, Dad, Amanda, and Shawn. EVERYDAY.

We WILL Skype. We will visit. They will visit.

BUT WE, Jason, WE will start building our lives. We will start to build the foundation that we once hoped for. For Jordan. And for us.

And it will be beautiful.

It wont always be easy. At all. Because nothing ever is for us.

But I'm excited. I'm excited to focus on my career again. I'm excited for you to start over, since you became so unhappy at your job. This is a chance for BOTH of us, to start over, at the same time. Lets do it right this time. This is our chance. A fresh plate.

Both of our families will be there for us. ALWAYS.

SO I guess what I want to ask you for, is, one more favor.

To promise me, that you'll go there with an open mind. Like I did when I moved to PA.

To explore.

To not honk at too many old people on the road. (kidding).

Promise me, that you'll put everything into this, like I am going to, so that we can build a STRONG foundation for our family. Because if we both do that, we'll (one day) be living our dream. Where ever that may be.

:)

Together.

All 3 of us...

& maybe one day, all 4 of us.

I LOVE YOU.

You are so important to me. And I know, that through all of this stress, moments of saying things we don't mean out of frustration and fear, that I forget to tell you, what matters.

What MATTERS, is you. Us. Our son. Our family.

I love it. To death.

Life is not easy. Marriage is not easy. Parenthood, is not easy.

But it sure is beautiful.

I love this journey.

And that's the TRUTH.

I love your family. And I hope and pray, that they will continue to pray for us, support us, and understand that we are searching for our place in this world.

I hope they know, that I love and appreciate them, tremendously.

Things have been hard.

SO, to your family; I am sorry.

I am sorry, that I couldn't find my fit here.

Even though you might believe I hardly tried, you have no idea how I was hurting inside.

I truly did try, for the short amount of time I was here, I could not find a way.

The winter killed me, both years. Inside, I felt like I was dying.

The darkness was not only outside, for me. I've never experienced this before, only heard the stories. It did not effect me in a good way. And that is just not ME.

I couldn't find a way, to see through the congestion, the gray days, and being away from an EXTREMELY important person in my life, my mother.

Not only does she need me, I NEED HER.

(Momma, you are lucky to have such a nice fella by your side, too. Thanks poppa Gare, for loving my mom soooooooooo much).

Being pregnant, and giving birth without her was hard in ways I could never, and will never be able to explain.

I love you guys, all of you. Mom's nourishing ways, Dad's way of relating to my feelings, Shawn's sense of humor, and Amanda- the sister I've always wanted. You are the sweetest girl I know.

I appreciate all of you. SO MUCH.

And I'm so excited to have you visit.

I wish I had the outgoing qualities that Jason does. (Good job, mom & dad).

I'm sure if I were more like him, things would have been a bit easier for me.

But that's why I know, Jason will handle this okay.

Please know, how much I want the best for Jason and I, both.

JASON- you ARE so important to me. All I want, is a chance to be myself, my WHOLE self. And suffering with depression, does not allow me, to be me.

I want a chance. I want a shot, at being a mother, a wife, and being without this sickness.

But now, a piece of me, will always lie in PA. That is your family. My family.

I pray that one day, we WILL find our way, to be with both family's, some how.

Jason, I am happy, to be continuing our journey.

We are BRAVE.

We are doing something, that other people wish they could, but don't have the guts.

And you know what, it could turn out to be a mistake.

So, we'll fix it.

OR,

it could turn out to be the BEST thing to happen to us yet.

That's for US to find out.

Together.

FOREVER.

Love,

Michelle

:)