Heartbroken.

Last night, the family decided that it would be better, if another family-member-mom, took care of Jordan instead of me.

Don't get me wrong, I was doing a great job as a mom, but it was decided, with no choice of mine, that he be taken from me, immediately, and on to a new family. My snugly, sweet, innocent boy, was taken from my arms, I didn't even get to say goodbye.

I firmly believe, he did not agree, with this decision.

My heart ACHED, in ways that I cannot explain. Anxiety rolled into my life like a hurricane, there was no stopping it, and catastrophe was all that remained in store for my emotions.

It was then decided, that to replace Jordan, we would be given a little girl, as our child. She was 4 years old.

If you haven't caught on yet, yes, this was a dream, I had last night.

I remember feeling SO upset, that I was adopting this child, at 4 years old. I WANTED to be a part of the "baby years".. and how could someone take that away from me? Of course, the whole time, still missing my OWN baby.. and trying to figure out how I was going to get him back. Still anxious, that I was missing even one second, of his life, as a baby.

I told Jason about this dream this morning. In mid May, we're supposed to be going on a weekend trip, with friends, to a cabin in the mountains. This would make trip number three, that I would be joining this group trip. But this year, is different. We have Jordan! And as I know he will be in good hands, with his grandparents, of course, I'm extremely anxious about leaving him. How can he be without me for even a night?! For more than a few hours? He's still such a little guy! I read a lot of magazines. I read a lot of mom blogs. And one thing I seem to run into, over and over, is to make time for yourself. Make time for your marriage. Make time for your husband.. and all of this has one thing in common. That time, is ALONE- without your little one. Allowing yourself, to let your precious little one, to remain in the care with your trusted loved ones, and have some good ole before baby time.

So, that's why I agreed, to go, for 2 nights, to the cabin. I knew that I would worry, about leaving my baby. But this is now the THIRD dream I've had, that involves my son being ripped from my arms. Is this the reason, I'm having these dreams?!

This morning, as I woke up to his tiny little squeaks, kicking feet, bright eyes, and miniature smiles.. all I could do was pick him up, take him in, and hug him... and squeeze him as hard as I could without squishing him :)

One thing is certain, I would do anything, ANYTHING, for this little boy. I am so addicted to him, no amount of rehab would allow me to recover. I have to have my daily fix, of my precious son.